Spiritual Relations
by bookwyrmy
Summary: Everything you wanted to know about the Hyuugas but were too afraid to ask. Warnings: "Neji"/"Hina", possession. Written with KalliopeStarmist & an unnamed catgirl
1. My Immortal

My Immortal:

When Neji woke up, what he saw wasn't what he'd been expecting. He wasn't in bed. It was too cold and hard to be a bed. On opening his eyes and looking around, he discovered that he was lying on a slab of marble in a room ominously decorated with the leering carven faces of dead Main House Hyuuga. He knew who they were, because the religion of the Hyuugas involved the worship of dead Main House Hyuuga, most notably a figure called Sasuke Hyuuga, who had supposedly founded the clan. In fact, this room looked vaguely similar to the shrine located in the basement of the Hyuuga mansion, though this one had a much darker theme. Wow. He hadn't thought those statues could be more depressing, but here was the proof.

Just as he sat up, a voice cleared its throat behind him. Neji whirled around, and nearly fell off the slab. His (evil) uncle Hiashi was standing over him. With a dagger. It appeared to be a very sharp dagger, and Hiashi was hefting it thoughtfully in front of his face, as if contemplating how it might best be used. And he was nodding thoughtfully to himself at odd intervals.

"Hiashi-sama? What are you doing with that knife?" At this point, Neji was inching away from his obviously crazed relative. He contemplated activating his Byakugan in order to simultaneously search for the exit and keep an eye on Hiashi, but that would involve giving away the fact that he was nervous and a bit frightened to the man with a knife a short distance from his face. A man who happened to have 20 years of experience in the fighting style Neji was best at, and who could probably swat him down like a fly if he tried using the Gentle Fist. Not to mention the curse seal Neji had on his forehead. Yes, let's not anger the unbalanced leader of the Hyuuga, shall we?

"Hmm, Neji? Ah, right, you woke up! So, Neji, how would you like to plumb the depths of your mind for remnants of your dead father? Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Ah, right. It was now obvious. Hiashi wasn't mildly unbalanced as Neji had originally hoped, he had gone fully around the bend. Was playing with less than half of a full deck, and had lost the majority of his marbles. Neji gave up the game of subtly glancing around for an exit and stood, activating his Byakugan, to desperately search for a way out of the room. Unfortunately, Hiashi had seen this, and reacted exactly as Neji hadn't wanted him to. By slowly bringing his hand into the shape required for activation of the cursed seal.

Neji stopped moving. Hiashi nodded approvingly, and brought his hand down. He patted the slab in front of him encouragingly, and Neji moved to sit back on it hesitantly. Now that Hiashi had been appeased and was satisfied that his audience would stay in place for the moment, he moved to exposit.

"Now Neji, I know what you're thinking: your father's dead and he can't be in you, can he? Well, actually, he neglected to mention something rather important about the circumstances of your birth, nephew. Neji, you don't have a mother. No, she's not dead as you thought. Actually, Neji, you're a clone of your father. Ever wonder why you look so much like him? Well, there's your answer. Sorry we didn't mention it before, you know how it is, you forget the unimportant little details over time."

"I...I...what? I'm a what? And how the hell is that related to looking in my mind for my father? You're not making any sense at all!" Neji was not going to let his crazy uncle disturb his mental world view with anything! Not even the fact that his father had sacrificed his life for his brother had disturbed his long-standing hatred of the Main House, this was nothing in comparison to that!

"Well, you see, at various point in my life, after you beat up Hinata on her first day at the Academy, after you beat up Hinata when I forgot to have someone pick her up from the Academy that one – no, those couple of times, and after you beat up Hinata in the Chunin exams, I've woken up from my dreams with your father's silhouette standing over my bed. I decided that, since you look alike, and have the same genes and hairstyles, you might channel your father while sleepwalking in order to tell me how proud he is that you grew up bullying your cousin. So, why don't we take a look inside your head, just to check?"

"That makes no sense whatsoever! You're hallucinating because you're batshit insane!"

"Hah! You're wrong! My psychiatrist told me that Hanabi-chan was a figment of my imagination, and she's perfectly real! You've seen her around, haven't you? That proves that I'm not insane!"

Neji was sure that the only thing that proved was that Hiashi's psychiatrist was extremely unobservant, but kept his mouth shut. He saw Hiashi's fingers twitching into a familiar shape, and decided that silence was the better part of valor. He knew what his place was right now, and that was to be a silently stunned and occasionally surprised audience. By now, he'd practically memorized the layout of the room, and the only way out was through Hiashi, and Hiashi didn't look to be moving any time soon.

"You see, the Hyuuga have an ancient power, passed down through generations-"

"Yes, I know. It's a blood limit called the Byakugan. We both have it, Hiashi-sama."

"Don't interrupt me, nephew. And no, I'm not talking about the Byakugan. What I'm talking about is a rare power that only appears in the Main House family members! It's the power over life itself! And I shall use it to delve into your psyche and retrieve the pieces of my beloved brother residing in your mind, and we shall finally be reunited! And I'll finally get laid! Here I go!"

With this ominous speech, Hiashi began a series of strange poses. Neji supposed that when done by an attractive well-endowed woman, the poses might have looked attractive. Unfortunately, Hiashi was a middle-aged man in a white bathrobe. The resulting magical girl transformation was not a pretty sight. And because Neji's Byakugan had never been deactivated, Neji caught every brain-breaking moment of it.

And Hiashi was now dressed in an extremely short black sailor suit. No, not the naval kind. No, this sailor suit was pretty much a copy of Sailor Moon's outfit. Not that Neji watched anime, or anything of the sort, or course not. He's just seen a few snatches of it while Hinata had watched it. Yes, that was a good enough excuse, wasn't it? Anyways, in front of Neji was his cross dressing uncle. Who now had a petite yet menacing black heart-tipped wand pointed at Neji.

Darkness spiraled from the wand, and Neji's vision blanked out.


	2. My Neji Senses are Tingling

"Double Quotes" are audible vocal communications

_'Single Quotes in italics' _are mental communications to oneself or others

My Neji Sense is Tingling!:

Hizashi Hyuuga was dead. He was dead, deceased, inanimate, and proud of it. After all, he'd died first! After having been the twin whom life had hated, Fate had blessed him with the perfect chance to one-up his brother, and he'd taken it. Now, he was a ghost, gleefully haunting everything of interest in the world, occasionally returning to check up on his son and older brother. He didn't really need to look too hard at his family, after all, Hiashi would take good care of Neji, and his Neji-is-in-danger radar hadn't gone off with the predictable exceptions of the few slightly risky missions any genin with Maito Gai as a teacher would receive.

In fact, the last time it had gone off had been the fight with that Spider-kid of Orochimaru's. And boy, had Hizashi been on tetherhooks during that battle. But really, there were rules to being a ghost. And no matter how much he'd wanted to interfere, the only thing he could have done for Neji, he refused on more than just fatherly principle. Because contrary to popular mythology, ghosts couldn't touch solid objects if they tried hard enough, or possess random bodies to wreak havoc on unsuspecting bystanders. The only abilities ghosts possessed were in relation to the people they had interacted with in life. Ghosts could make themselves seen (but not heard) by those people, and they could possess them, but to anyone else, they were intangible and invisible.

Which was great for scaring Hiashi late at night, but not so great for protecting his only child (who possessed absolutely no self preservation instinct at all). But Hizashi could rest assured that his twin would look after his only child in the situations where his ghostly abilities would be of any use, so he could relax and take in the sights of the wide world. In fact, the Kyuubi Trail was one of the most interesting things he'd seen in years. Though the path of destruction had been cleaned up around Konoha, the Kyuubi had only been stopped there, it had been traveling/rampaging for quite some time. The ghostly travel agency had been booming ever since it had died, since now they could see the devestated landmarks without risk of being destroyed by an angry demonic fox.

"Isn't this scenery great? You can follow the path of tiny trees and see where it was headed! That's so cool, why didn't we have anything like this in Konoha?"

"Minato, we didn't have anything like that in Konoha because one, in order for it to have been created, the Kyuubi would have had to rampage for longer than we wanted it known. We had to accelerate the growth of several forests to compensate for the destruction, and we did that to project an aura of strength to the neighbors. Two, you killed the Kyuubi before Konoha could become a permanent crater, remember?" Fugaku, used to the thickness of the blond's skull, elaborated in an overly patient tone of voice.

"Oh, yeah, right, I totally get it now. But it would have looked so cool, Fugaku. Wouldn't it Hizashi? Don't you want to see a pretty corpse of miniature trees in the middle of Konoha? Or maybe a little lake?"

"No, bonsai's pretty much the clan hobby, and I despise everything to do with the clan, so no, I'd rather not, thanks. But the lake sounds interesting." Hizashi's only trip to the beach as a teenager had been a branch family vacation, and as such, it had been a complete disaster.

"You would be interested in the same damn thing as that idiot. Now spelunking on the other hand, is an ancient and noble practice with many a practical application, as well. You two should give it a shot."

"You've been nagging us to go exploring in caves forever, but we don't all have fancy see-in-the-dark eyes, you know. Some of us would like to keep from floating into too many rock walls, they always feel so gritty after you get out."

"Ah, relax Minato, we have all the time in the world to try it out when we get to the end of the trail, or when Fugaku finds an interesting cave formation somewhere in the middle, it's not like we're going to get hurt, and we're not exactly short on time, are we?

_'Ping! Your Neji-is-in-danger radar is going off now. Have a nice day!'_ Ah, shit. There went a perfectly nice week.

"Sorry Minato, Fugaku, it looks like our trip will have to be cut short. I need to go rescue my idiot kid. You know how it is."

"Not really, mine's obnoxiously determined to live for some reason. Hey, maybe that fox thingie I tied to his soul has something to do with it. I'll miss you but hey, we respect your death choices. See you later!"

"Ah, goddamnit, I wish my kids would up and die already. Seriously, one killed me and the other ran off to get molested by that snake pervert over in Rice for two years! But whatever, see you when you get back. And why the hell you get the only kid without the fucked up family is beyond my knowledge, you airheaded circus clown of a ninja!"

"Dammit, don't get him going again, you careless bastard! If you're going, then escape the tirade while you can!"

With those enthusiastic farewells, Hizashi ran off at his top ghost speed towards Konoha, and where the ominous '_ping_' emanating from Neji's displaced self-preservation instinct directed.

----------------------

Hinata hesitantly made her way into the set of basement rooms Neji had just vacated. She'd seen Hiashi take Neji in there for another of those special training sessions they enjoyed so much, but she hadn't ever seen Neji leave before Hiashi. Usually, Hiashi strolled out of the basement complex bright-eyed and bushy tailed, with Neji dragging himself out sometime later, looking much worse than his uncle. The switch was not very comforting to Hinata, because if the pattern held true, Hiashi would be the one exhausted and panting somewhere in the basement. Which was unfortunate, because she'd had something important to ask her father, and he was always in a better mood after a training session with Neji.

Still, she gathered some of her Naruto-grown resolve, and tiptoed closer to the sound of breathing. Upon seeing the source of the sound, she stopped in her tracks, raising her hand to her mouth for a good old fashioned horrified gasp. She had not been prepared to see her father dressed in a black sailor moon outfit lying on the floor with eyes open (she couldn't really tell what he was looking at without pupils), mouth agape, and drool trickling down his cheek.

"F-f-f-father? Are you all right?" Hinata received no answer.

----------------------

The '_ping_' had tapered off. Hizashi was unsure whether this meant Neji was out of danger, or whether he had re-claimed his errant instincts. He suspected it wasn't the latter. But no matter what, he needed to check in on Neji, and make sure that he was staying safe.

'_Let's see... the last direction it indicated was... that way! Wait a minute, I know where that is! It's that room Hiashi and I decided to turn into a ritual sacrifice altar when he became Family Head! We decided to use it to creep out Neji's girlfriends after he hit puberty! Ohhh, that's what the danger was? I'd better check! Neji's virginity, hang on until I get there!_' Panicking, Hizashi rushed into the room.

Hizashi was stunned. His terminally shy niece was crouching over a long-haired figure in a black magical girl outfit. From the angle he was floating, he couldn't see their faces, but it was his son, he was sure of it! Of course he was taller after so many years, and perhaps he had developed some unhealthy habits, but...

'_Neji and – and Hinata? No! No, it can't be, I raised my son better than this! I told him to protect her, but I didn't mean it! No, get away from my sweet innocent little baby boy, you slut!_'

Hizashi had much the same hold on reality that his brother did. In fact, he might have had less sanity because of the constant feeling of resentment for his 3 minutes older twin sibling. Someone who was happy to volunteer himself for death in order to win his bet with Hiashi about 'who can get out of the Hyuugas first,' is not a very sane person. Therefore, what Hizashi did next was perfectly reasonable by his standards.

He possessed Hinata. And then he threw her spirit from her body.

----------------------

Now, if it had been any other time, Hinata might have had a better chance of resisting her uncle. She had improved from her terminally shy, unable-to-speak-without-stuttering self. She could speak without stuttering sometimes now! Well, she couldn't speak clearly to Naruto yet. Or her father. Or Hanabi. Or...well, maybe she hadn't improved very much. But she could talk to Kiba and Shino without stuttering much. And she could speak clearly to Hanabi on a good day! That was better, wasn't it?

Yes, on a good day, Hinata might have put up a decent fight. She was more comfortable in her head than she was in her body, so she had the home ground advantage. Her confidence had risen with her fighting skills, and while it wasn't a spectacular change, she would have been able to combat Hizashi for a while.

Well, this was not one of her better days. Neji was in a good mood. Nothing went well for her when Neji was in a good mood, especially because most of those good moods had been caused by her misery. Case in point, she had just found her father. In a very short sparkly black schoolgirl outfit. Drooling on the floor of the room with leering statues of dead family members. She was not in the proper frame of mind for any type of battle, much less one for control of her body with a ghost who happened to be very enraged at her for corrupting his baby boy.

This was why she was currently floating above her body, looking around in a panic. As she looked down towards her body, she noticed that it was moving. In fact, it was moving even closer to Hiashi's body. It reached it's hand up to Hiashi's chest, and poked it with two fingers.

'_Why is it doing that? Is it just curious? Is that what my body's like without me? Wait-_' That had been a Gentle Fist strike. Her body had just delivered a Gentle Fist strike directly over her father's heart, and she couldn't see Hiashi breathing. Oh, Sasuke-dammit! What just happened? Had her body just ejected her and killed her father? Would she be able to get back? If she did, how would she explain this?

'_Naruto, what should I do? What can I do?_'

----------------------


	3. You Did What to My Son?

You Did What to My Son?:

'_Hiashi! You bastard! Give me my body back! You're insane, there's no way my father's in my brain, and even if he was, I'm keeping him in here! You can't have him, he's __**my **__father!_'

Neji was protesting the theft of his body very vociferously, having lost his reserve about cursing since he was sharing a body with Hiashi. Obviously, he reasoned, there was only so much damage his (currently Hiashi's) body could take and remain mobile. In fact, the situation had made it so that Neji much angrier with his uncle than Neji was scared of him, even though they were stuck together, and Hiashi could seem to hear every thought going through Neji's head.

'_You know, he was my twin before he was ever your father. That means that I have dibs, and you'll just have to move aside for your father while he and I have a beautiful reunion._' And there Hiashi went again, babbling about some kind of reunion with Neji's father. Neji didn't want to think about this too hard, or he'd receive some very scarring mental images he didn't need about his father and uncle. And besides, it was doubtlessly all in Hiashi's sick, twisted imagination, made all the worse by the insanity. His father was a paragon of virtue, the embodiment of all things right with the world, and a role model all children should follow!

'_Well, that just means that even if he was in my mind, you still had him for 15 more years, so he should stay exactly where he is! With his loving son, who'll take care of him much better than you ever could!_' Not that Neji was admitting that his father was, in fact inside of his body. But since Hiashi hadn't listened to his more rational arguments, Neji would just have to try a slightly _ir_rational argument, wouldn't he.

'_Hmph, well it just so happens that you don't have a say in the matter. Now, you can shut up like a nice little brain puppet, and ... What? Something's wrong! What's happening?_' Shoving Neji's personality as deep into the psyche as he could, Hiashi whirled Neji's body around and broke into a headlong flight toward the room he'd recently left his old body in.

----------------------

Hizashi was satisfied. His brother was dead by his hand, and that stupid niece of his had finally run off somewhere. Hah! And that outfit! He'd have blackmail material for all of eternity with that information. And the best part was, the dead were stuck in the outfit they had died in! No more, 'Hizashi, you look totally great in those cat ears, you should wear them more often!' This time, he had gotten the last laugh, both right before his death, and now at Hiashi's death as well. And despite the fact that he was inside of the spawn of that woman Hiashi had chosen over him, its actual mind had been disposed of, and in a moment, Hizashi would leave to find Neji.

Fortuitously however, this was the moment Neji chose to run through the door. And upon seeing the obviously dead (to a Hyuuga) body on the floor, turned on the seemingly hapless Hinata sitting on the floor, and spat, "Hinata! What happened to my body! You useless ditz, you couldn't read a simple 'Keep Out' sign? It was only right on the door! And you couldn't manage to protect it while you were here? Who killed my body, Sasuke-dammit! Answer me, you worthless excuse for a daughter!"

Hizashi turned Hinata's head up to look at Neji's face incredulously. That didn't sound like his precious, innocent son. That sounded remarkably like his no-good, sadistic idiot of a brother! Wait, was that why Hiashi's body had been comatose? Had his brother possessed his only son? What was wrong with him? What was wrong with this world, where a deceased twin couldn't entrust his orphaned son to his brother without the brother taking advantage?

"**Hiashi**... I'm going to **kill you, you bastard**! You **possessed **my son? I trusted you! I thought that you'd take care of him after I **died **for you! I'm going to beat you senseless, get you out of my son's body, and then I'm going to spend the rest of eternity kicking the crap of you!" As Hizashi-in-Hinata was ranting, he was also frantically poking at Hiashi-in-Neji.

Now, if this had been the two of them fighting in their original bodies, it might have been a bit more one-sided. Hizashi had always been the better fighter of the two, and Hiashi had slowed down a bit as a result of old age. Hinata, on the other hand, had a body much unlike Hizashi's old body. Added to that, was the fact that he'd been dead for fourteen years, and Hizashi was at a distinct disadvantage against other living ninjas. But Hiashi had also been transferred to a new body. And despite Neji's advanced skill, Hiashi had been in his original body for 46 years, and unlike Hizashi, was unable to change bodies at will. And so the fight basically consisted of Hizashi poking ineptly, and Hiashi dodging awkwardly.

----------------------

Meanwhile, Hiashi was busy having a revelation. That didn't look like his meek, timid daughter. It actually looked and sounded somewhat like his distorted and fuzzy memories of his dead brother! And if Hizashi was actually in Hinata, that meant that he wasn't in Neji! And so he promptly ejected Neji from their shared body.

Hizashi took advantage of Hiashi's moment of realization to disable Neji's limbs via Gentle Fist poking. Grabbing Neji with both of his hands, he shook Neji's head back and forth, screaming for Hiashi to get out of his son. Hiashi began to cackle maniacally.

"Sorry, brother, Neji isn't here right now. He's vacated the premises, and I'm the only one here. But welcome back, brother!" And that snapping sound was Hizashi's self-control breaking along with Neji's arm. And one of his ribs.

"You... you did **what**? For the love of Sasuke, why would you think I'm interested in coming back for **you**? Especially after you've practically **killed **my **son**? I'm leaving to find my son, and you are going to stay here, and wait for me to come back to return Neji to his rightful place." It might have been his imagination, but Hiashi would have sworn that he could hear Hizashi mutter under his breath, "bitch."

With that parting shot, Hizashi-in-Hinata ran out of the room, leaving his incapacitated brother-in-his-son's-body lying on the floor next to said brother's dead corpse. Hiashi was heartbroken.

----------------------

Neji was horrified. His uncle, who was currently possessing his body, had gotten his rear end handed to him by Hinata! Since he'd been deeply submerged in his own psyche right before he'd gotten ejected, Neji wasn't sure what she'd been screaming about, but when he got his body back, he'd teach her not to break his arm! That was going to hurt when he got back in it.

Now, how to re-enter his body? Wait, how was he going to move?


	4. Regarding Sasuke Hyuuga

Hizashi had been making a great deal of assumptions as of late. He'd assumed that the body which his niece had been leaning over was actually the body of his son. He'd assumed, upon discovering that the body had actually been his brothers', that Hiashi had finally overdosed on one of his frequent acid trips and was merely comatose. He'd assumed again, that if he killed Hiashi, they could be together in the afterlife giving Hizashi an endless number of opportunities for blackmail on his brother. Unfortunately, he'd also made an erroneous assumption with his latest move. He'd assumed that because he was a ghost, he would be able to see the ejected spirit of his son.

But he wasn't a ghost anymore. He was currently a spirit occupying the body of his niece. There are certain people who can see ghosts naturally. Hinata, her unawakened Main House magical girl genes notwithstanding, did not have this ability. Because Hizashi had taken control of her body, he shared her limitations. And he couldn't see the spirit of his son lingering in the room as he ran from it.

He was headed out of the house, in Hinata Hyuuga's body in search of Neji. Neji, who was disembodied and believed that Hizashi **was** Hinata, and was vowing to beat her so hard that she'd never raise a hand to him again! Especially when he couldn't defend it. And Hinata, whose father was currently in her cousin's body, was also disembodied, location unknown.

Someone, somewhere, was laughing uproariously. If it was anyone in particular, it was likely to be Sasuke Hyuuga.

----------------------

Sasuke Hyuuga was an interesting figure in the history of the Hyuugas. Though he was revered as the ancient progenitor and the Dark God of the Hyuuga clan, some had come to believe that he had never actually existed, and had actually been created by the Main House to perpetuate their beliefs in an organized manner. These people were mainly branch house Hyuugas, who had never experienced the reason why the Main House was so insistent that Sasuke was very much real and worthy of their worship.

That reason was called Herbert. Known to the Main House as 'Herbert the Angry,' Herbert acted as Sasuke's messenger, bringing disaster and despair to those Sasuke felt were being too 'happy' for the Hyuuga clan. The last time he'd appeared had been during the Hinata's disastrous kidnapping, and everyone had been miserable with the way that episode had ended. Except Herbert.

Herbert was angry. Herbert was always angry.

Thus resulted the 'misery' pyramid. Sasuke showered misery upon the Main House through Herbert, and the Main House threw misery upon the Branch House because Sasuke demanded that the Hyuuga clan be as miserable as possible. And he knew when anyone in the Hyuugas were happy. Nobody knew whether he simply sat around watching them from place hidden from the Byakugan, or whether he had some sort of power to see into their lives form afar, but when any Hyuuga was happy, Sasuke knew about it. And then he sent Herbert.

With a God like this, it was no wonder that the Hyuuga clan was screwed up.

----------------------

Neji was, unsurprisingly, one of those naive fellows who didn't believe in Sasuke. At a young age, his faith in anything but the Fate his father had talked about had been destroyed, and he refused to believe that Sasuke could overrule the object of his obsession. Ironic, because the source of his misery in life had mainly been Sasuke's malicious interference (and his own obsessive nature, but that's not relevant in this example).

More surprisingly, however, Hizashi was also someone who didn't believe in Sasuke. Though the term disbelieving is a bit inaccurate for his feelings about Sasuke's cult. It could be better described as desperately denying Sasuke's existence in a sort of 'if I can't see him, he can't see me' mentality. Hizashi, being the twin of a Main House member, had been privy to the truth of Herbert's existence. He had also had the pleasure of witnessing Herbert deliver his message of doom both before and after the Cloud debacle.

Hizashi believed in Fate because it was an impersonal arbiter of lives, or so he believed. Having been despised and disdained during his lifetime for being twins with a Main House member, he needed to believe in an ultimate force which, when it decided to screw someone over, did not do so personally. And then he met Herbert. Herbert hated Hizashi. Herbert hated each and every one of the Hyuugas with a passion made only hotter by the fact that he knew them intimately from wherever he came from. Herbert knew things about Hizashi that only his brother knew, and Herbert despised him all the more for it.

Hizashi's brain broke. From that point on, he'd made it a point to 'prove' that Sasuke didn't exist. He became morose, and embraced the legacy of the Branch family with every fiber of his being. He'd been something of an enigma to them before, having been extremely close to his Main House brother. But his sanity frayed, and he became obsessed with the idea of 'escaping' Sasuke by becoming a fully fledged Branch member, trying to sever all ties with the Main House, even going so far as to insist that his clone be cursed. By the time Herbert appeared again to announce Hiashi's impending death, Hizashi thought it would be a great idea to die. And the fact that it would destroy Sasuke's plans appealed to him much more than Hiashi's pleas (in bed) for him to live.

So Hizashi died. Sasuke didn't really care.

----------------------

The above tangent pertains to the current situation because Sasuke was, in fact, laughing at Hizashi. He was laughing at Hizashi, Hiashi, Neji, Hinata, and everyone even remotely involved in the entire affair. It was the best entertainment he'd gotten since that last time the Uchiha had tried to overthrow their founding house. And he'd decided that, in order to perpetuate the deliciously hilarious misunderstandings, just this once, he would have to take a direct hand in what was occurring. And the best way to do that was to remove what the gender confused ghost was searching for.

Sasuke sent a messenger to pick Neji's spirit up.

Guess who that messenger was.

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	5. Hinata's Interlude

Hinata was confused, horrified, and fearful. Now, this was far from the first time she'd felt these things. And thus, she had a set method to dealing with them. She went to wherever Naruto was, and watched him. It didn't matter where she was, it was an automatic response by now. If he happened to be off on a mission at the time, she went home and stared at the picture(s) of Naruto she hid under her bed. Now, incorporeal, disturbed, and scared, her desire to see Naruto was enough to move her spirit form in the direction she wanted – the training ground Team 7 were usually gathered in.

She fixed her mind on the destination, and forcibly ignored the sensation – or lack thereof – of passing through the walls of the Hyuuga compound.

Naruto. If she could find Naruto, he would fix everything. Somehow.

----------------------

Sasuke Uchiha (not to be confused with the Dark God of the Hyuuga clan) was practicing a technique he'd copied with his Sharingan a small distance away from the rest of his team, as usual these days. Naruto was beating himself up repetitively, and Sakura was off doing stereotypical medic things with the Hokage. Sasuke focused on smoothing out the flow of chakra, and automatically suppressed the urge to pour more chakra into the technique. It was tempting, the urge to see the little streamers of lightning flare with power, to see them utter consume the log they were currently scorching in a gigantic explosion of sparks and, if he was lucky, flames – no. He was not going to pursue that line of thought. He would concentrate on his control, and ignore the voices that said fire was pretty, and that he should light some wherever he could.

Conveniently, right in time to distract him from his pyromaniacal daydreams, Hinata Hyuuga was floating by. Literally. Her eyes were closed, and she was leaning as if she were dragging the rest of her body forward in order to follow her face. Sasuke did a double take, and shrugged it off as some strange obsession thing. Eh, Naruto had sometimes acted similarly when he scented ramen in a foreign locale.

She open her eyes, and stopped, turning her head about nervously. Poking her fingers against each other, she glanced towards Sasuke, and opened her mouth to speak. Nothing came out. She closed her mouth, swallowed, and tried again. Still nothing. If he could see colors with the Sharingan, Sasuke would bet that her face was bright red. Her finger taps began to gain speed and force, and Sasuke interrupted her before she broke her fingers and he had to call one of those annoying medics. Like Sakura.

"Are you looking for Naruto?"

Hinata nodded her head frantically. Obviously, something had disturbed her so much that she was unable to speak, and she was going to stare at Naruto from behind a tree, as she was prone to do. Hmm, he wasn't aware of anything that had changed in the Hyuuga compound recently. He'd have to move them up in his Clan observation schedule, then. He wouldn't let another member of some random major Clan to slaughter their family, not if he could help it.

"He's off training over there." After waving in the general direction of Hinata's target, Sasuke whipped out his organizer and began to search for a good place to add 'Hyuuga' in between the clusters of other names. Hmmm, he could probably squeeze it in between 'Yamanaka' and 'Aburame'. The Hyuuga compound was closer, and it was probably best not to go near insects smelling strongly of pollen anyways.

Having settled this dilemma, Sasuke returned to his training.

And then Hinata Hyuuga ran past him. Again.

----------------------

Naruto was lying on the ground panting. Dammit, he just wasn't getting the results he wanted out of his training! Hadn't Kakashi or the Pervert said something about using Shadow Clones to learn things faster? He'd been training for the last week, and Sasuke was _still _beating him whenever they sparred. Why wasn't he getting better? Well, if he hadn't gotten any better with his current training, he'd just have to practice harder! In a wondrous demonstration of his usual (lack of) logic, he went back to making Shadow Clones and fought himself with gusto.

Dodge that one coming from the side there-

Jump over there to punch that idiot with his back turned-

Kick- shitshitshit, dodge, where the hell had that clone come from?

Nevermind, rebound off a tree over the both of them, hurl _that _kunai over _there _and _these _shuriken over _here_, and...

Get dogpiled from behind while staring at Hinata-chan run by? That hadn't been part of the plan.

Wait. He dispelled the clones and sat down to think. He hadn't gotten a great look at her, but Hinata had looked different somehow. Hmm. Was it the more-than-slightly crazed, manic look on her face? No, not that. Her team had been working on her self-esteem, and often had she sported the same expression while pounding on a hysterically laughing Kiba for stealing her underwear. Unfortunately in those instances, she forgot that she was a trained killer skilled in the use of finger death pokes and bitchslaps of doom and that her punches were not quite up to the same standards, and Kiba continued to laugh, further provoking her ire.

Oh, he knew what it was now! Her jacket had been unzipped, and her boobs had been bouncing a lot more than he was used to in girls his age. Wow, he was really observant, wasn't he? But he'd ignore it, and continue training. Nope, he wouldn't get a nosebleed, or anything, that would mean was turning into a pervert, and he'd never give the Pervy Hermit that pleasure! So he didn't have a nosebleed. At all.

He would go back to training. Any minute now. As soon as the afterimages of Hinata-chan's breasts were gone from his mind. Yep, any minute now.

----------------------

Sasuke Uchiha was not amused. A Hinata in search of Naruto was normal and not worth noting. Another Hinata running by asking for Neji's whereabouts, after the first Hinata had just vanished into and seemingly through the trees, was not.

Hmm, did he...yes, his Sharingan was still activated. Yes, those two Hinatas had looked identical. And yes, identical as in both appeared to be the real Hinata. Under the Sharingan.

Dammit!

He knew what this was about now! Hinata had gone insane, and was hunting Neji down as revenge for his hatred of her, a death that would serve as the precursor to the mass slaughter of her clan as Shisui Uchiha had been for ..._that man_, and the first Hinata had been nothing but a decoy to throw him off track! He would not let this happen!

Running to Naruto's section of the training area, Sasuke stopped in his tracks. There, watching Naruto pant on the ground, was the first, seemingly non-homicidal Hinata. Walking up to her, Sasuke crossed his arms and began to tap his foot.

"So. Hinata. I saw your evil twin run by." He thought he succeeded admirably in keeping his voice even and his face neutral, but Hinata must have sensed his irritation, and she began to hunch her shoulders in an irritatingly familiar fashion. He was again treated to the bizarre show of Hinata opening and closing her mouth repeatedly while managing to vocalize nothing.

"Hey, Sasuke, who are you talking to?" For some reason, Naruto has never been aware of Hinata's habit of stalking him whenever he was in Konoha. If he hadn't watched her with his Sharingan a few times, Sasuke would have thought she'd developed an specifically Naruto-directed invisibility technique. Thus, he decided to point out the (to him) blindingly obvious Hyuuga behind the tree.

"Hinata is right there, idiot. If you hadn't been so busy masturbating with your clones, you would have noticed by now."

"What? No she's not! Hinata-chan just ran past me over that way! Besides, I can't see anyone there at all. And I don't masturbate with anything! And even if I did, you'd probably be obsessively watching me from a tree branch, so you can shut up, voyeur."

At that, ignoring the voyeur crack, Sasuke turned to stare at Hinata, a figure outlined in chakra flows. He turned his Sharingan off. Hinata disappeared. Reactivating his Sharingan, he rebalanced so that he stood more solidly, and narrowed his eyes at the probably-not-Hinata.

"Explain. Now."


	6. Back to What Passes for Reality Nowadays

Back to What Passes for Reality Around Here:

Hiashi's arm hurt. His arm hurt a lot. Probably because it was broken. Along with one or two of his ribs, which made breathing fun. Dammit, this wasn't supposed happen! He and Hizashi were supposed to be reunited right now, having beautiful back-from-the-dead sex! He'd had supplies ready, and Powerpoints prepared, and... and well, the point was that he didn't have a plan for _this_.

He climbed slowly to his feet, and staggered out of the room. First, he'd need a medic, and then he'd see about convincing Hizashi to come back to him. But first, he'd make him pay for the arm. And the ribs. Those hurt, Sasuke-dammit!

A few steps out of the room, an flying body attached itself to his side, and Hiashi immediately cringed away from the weight simultaneously crushing his broken arm and ribs. Who the hell would dare do this to him, the Head of the Hyuuga Clan?

"Baby! How have you been? Has that meanie old man been bullying you? Don't worry, I'll kiss it and make everything better, okay sweetie? Come on, snookums, I've got something for you in my room." The squeal came from the saccharine voice of a black-haired woman with a cursed seal on her partially hair covered forehead.

Oh. It was a Branch member. But that didn't excuse her Sasuke-bedamned death grip on his broken arm!

"Get off my arm, if you hadn't noticed, it's fucking broken! And you're just making it worse!"

The snap made her back off, but only to grab his other arm and drag him in the direction of the Branch House quarters.

"He broke your arm? That bastard! Come on, darling, I'll make it better for you real soon, okay? Just follow me, I have supplies in my room. You'll feel all better soon, I promise."

Hiashi followed. He vaguely remembered a Branch member, who had hung around Neji, becoming an apprentice medic a year ago, and it was a better option than going all the way to the hospital. He'd see how this woman's medical training worked out, and if she wasted his time, he'd mind-melt her into oblivion!

----------------------

Shikaku was hanging out in Inoichi's floral boutique with Chouza, waiting for Inoichi to get back with the booze. It was a folly of all ninjas who lived to become jounin. They go very bored, very easily. For the InoShikaCho trio, it was either the booze or the adrenaline. It wasn't usual that they got an early start on the night, but the week had been rather dry of distractions in the form of high risk missions, and they needed to get that buzz one way or another.

Inoichi happened to enter at the same time as Ino's fellow genin, the Hyuuga Heiress. Hmm, she was the shy one, wasn't she? Eh, whatever. The booze was here, Inoichi could deal with whatever the brat wanted. Hey, his shop, his job. He grabbed the bottles, and headed to the back. What he heard from the lips of innocent little Hinata, however, made him stop a beat away from stepping out of the main shop room.

"Oi, Shikaku! Chouza, Inoichi! How've you been? Damn you've gotten way older, haven't you? Hey, I know you've always looked out for me when we were genin, so I'm sure you'll know. Have you seen my son lately? I'm kinda worried about what my brother's done with him while I was gone." Hinata glanced hopefully up at Chouza, switching between him, Inoichi, and Shikaku.

Shikaku's mind boggled. It _looked _like Hinata, albeit a bit disheveled, but it talked and behaved nothing like her. She casually leaned her elbows on the counter toward Chouza as she spoke, even though only her head and upper chest appeared over the top of the counter. The result was a strange mix of confidant, cute, and sly, mannerisms that were very out of place for the girl in front of them. If this was an infiltrator, they were doing a piss-poor job of fitting in.

Mentally, Shikaku sighed. Obviously the girl's mind had snapped under the pressure of her position, and she had assumed the identity of the only positive role model her father had ever held her toward. Hizashi Hyuuga. Well, what other Hyuuga within their generation had a son that they'd (presumably, since their kids went to the Academy at the same time) know? And everyone knew that as soon as Hiashi got blasted enough (which happened with alarming regularity) he'd start raving about his brother to everyone within hugging distance.

Yeah, screw this shit, Inoichi could deal with it. He was leaving with the booze, and nobody was going to stop him.

----------------------

Hiashi felt as though he should be saying something. He wasn't sure what. Naturally, as the clan leader, it was his sworn duty to berate and belittle all branch members (excluding his beloved brother's clone), but first, she had a grip on his broken arm, and unlike his brother, he had some self-preservation instinct (though not much of one). Second, she was babbling a mile a minute, something about bastard uncles, and he wasn't sure if he could get a word in edgewise, much less a tirade. And what didn't even occur to him and should have been third on that list, was the fact that he was in his nephew's body. Apparently, self-delusion was a genetic trait strongly visible in the Hyuuga clan.

Hey, she was shutting up now! And his arm felt better!

"What do you think you're doing, assaulting me and dragging me here! Don't you know who I am? And how dare you try to heal my arm with whatever pathetic medical skills you might possess? And furthermore -"

What – had she? That branch member had just slapped him! Him, the clan head! Ohh, she was going to get it just as soon as he got his arms out of the death-grip she currently had them in. Hey, she was saying something.

"Neji darling, I know you're a little stressed, having to deal with your uncle and all. And I know that you're in pain and probably lashed out because you're just frustrated. But if you ever say anything like that to me again, I will crack your head open like a walnut, do you hear me lovely? I may be your cousin, but I will not put up with that sort of talk, even from you, kiddo."

Hiashi was sure that steam was coming from his ears. That-that-_bitch_! Now that she'd dropped her arms, he could show her the consequences of threatening Hiashi Hyuuga! He brought his right hand up, in the multi-universal sign for peace, moving the outstretched fingers together for what was commonly known as the Main House Mind Melt. Ah, her screams of agony would be so sweet...

Any minute now, she'd be on the ground writhing in pain. Any minute now.

Ow. His newly healed ribs creaked as the harpy latched onto him, blubbering that of course they could have peace together, he was her beloved cousin, right?

"I'm so glad you're back to normal, Neji, I was so worried when you stumbled out of that room -"

This was – this was unexpected, his mind gibbered over and over.

"You know that I was thinking about ditching the apprentice medic-nin job to join my band full time as a guitarist, right? Well they've got a contract offer and it's now or never, but I'm still -"

The curse seal had done nothing. The Sasuke-blessed curse seal with which his family had controlled it's cousins for centuries had done absolutely nothing. He pushed himself off the bed, batting the harpy's claws away as he stumbled into a run out of the room and through the halls. Oh Sasuke! He was in Neji's body right now. He was a Sasuke-forsaken Branch!

----------------------


End file.
